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December 19, 2005 Reinforcing the Wookies


ANAKIN enters and stands in the middle of the room. He is surrounded by the Jedi Council MACE WINDU, EETH KOTH OBI-WAN, YODA, the HOLOGRAMS of PLO KOON and KI-ADI-MUNDI.

MACE: Anakin Skywalker, we have approved your appointment to the Council as the Chancellor's personal representative.

ANAKIN: I will do my best to uphold the principles of the Jedi Order.

YODA: Allow this appointment lightly, the Council does not. Disturbing is this move by Chancellor Palpatine.

ANAKIN: I understand.

MACE: You are on this Council, but we do not grant you the rank of Master.

Anakin reacts with anger.

ANAKIN: What? ! How can you do this?? This is outrageous, it's unfair . . . I'm more powerful than any of you. How can you be on the Council and not be a Master?

MACE: Take a seat, young Skywalker.

ANAKIN: Forgive me, Master.

ANAKIN goes and sits in one of the empty chairs. Everyone is embarrassed. KI-ADI-MUNDI WHO APPEARS AS A HOLOGRAM, speaks.

Kl-ADI-MUNDI: We have surveyed all systems in the Republic, and have found no sign of General Grievous.

YODA: Hiding in the Outer Rim, Grievous is. The outlying systems, you must sweep.

OBI-WAN: It may take some time . . . we do not have many ships to spare.

MACE: We cannot take ships from the front line.

OBI-WAN: And yet, it would be fatal for us to allow the droid armies to regroup.

YODA: Master Kenobi, our spies contact, you must, and then wait.

Kl-ADI-MUNDI: What about the droid attack on the Wookiees?

MACE: It is critical we send an attack group there, immediately!

OBI-WAN: He's right, that is a system we cannot afford to lose. It's the main navigation route for the southwestern quadrant.

ANAKIN: I know that system well. It would take us little time to drive the droids off that planet.

MACE: Skywalker, your assignment is here with the Chancellor, and Kenobi must find General Grievous.

YODA: Go, I will. Good relations with the Wookiees, I have.

MACE: It is settled then. Yoda will take a battalion of clones to reinforce the Wookiees on Kashyyyk. May the Force be with us all.

ANAKIN is disappointed.

December 6, 2005 Hilton Sisters Hot S*x Act

Hilton sisters hot s*x act
Man, those girls can blow.

Yes, but they aren't as hip as some, considering they only have three hips.

October 11, 2005 No. 2 Pencil -- Armaments of Oz

I've probably seen 1939ís "Wizard of Oz" more than any other movie, since they used to show it on TV every Easter when I was a kid, but I don't think I'd ever seen it on the Big Screen until this weekend and I saw something I never noticed before -- the Scarecrow has a gun.

That's right -- a gun. Think about it -- the Army of Oz made quite a show of marching with their bayonet-affixed rifles when Dorothy and gang reach town, so they have advanced weapons technology.

Once given the suicide mission of retrieving the broom of the WWW, the fivesome (Toto, too) sets out from Oz -- in a very brief scene we see that the citizens of Oz have armed the Tinman with a giant spanner replacing his ax and armed the Scarecrow with a revolver held awkwardly in his misshapen straw-stuffed glove.

Their first test comes immediately, in my still-favorite triumph of cheesy special effects Ė as an armada of flying monkeys ("Fly, my pretties!") makes quick work of Dorothy's protectors WITHOUT A SINGLE SHOT BEING FIRED -- the Tinman doesn't even take a swing at 'em and he's carrying a MONKEY WRENCH fer crissake! Not a single wounded monkey. After this scene the weapons mysteriously disappear, but the ax reappears.

So I think poor choices were made all around, and thatís unacceptable.

Scarecrow has a gun

Essay topics:

1. Explain how you think Wizard of Oz is related to the Easter resurrection story.

2. Develop three arguments on how the flying monkey attack accurately presaged the 1940 Nazi invasion of France.

3. Elaborate on the parallels of the citizens of Oz withholding their full assistance with that of the villagers in The Seven Samurai or The Magnificent Seven.

4. How many flying monkeys could you kill with a six gun? Provide support for your response.

5. Provide an first-person account of the dual kidnapping from the perspective of Toto empathetic with the monkeys.

--- DM wrote:

You know I would have to say my overpowering memory of the movie was the blatant Nabisco ad of the guards and their Oreo chant. I do kind of remember the gun- toting Scarecrow scene, scared and shaking from imaginary enemies, with an itchy trigger finger. Come to think of it Ray Bolger's middle initial is "W".

--JNW wrote:

Try this...

In your scary photo, why doesn't the lion have a goatee? (looks like Dorothy could sport one too!)

Do you think Judas was responding to the "Surrender Dorothy" message?

I think the monkeys were an homage to Guernica.

How much assistance can you expect from munchkins?

Do you think Toto developed Stockholm syndrome?

I'll need more info for my six-gun against the monkeys essay: What caliber six-gun, what kind of ammo, and will Mickey be on drums directly behind Davey?

Wizard of Oz

--MF wrote:

DM wrote about the "Oreo" chant. I read once that what they are actually saying is "Owe we owe, we owe her" -- meaning the witch, whatever wicked witch it was.

I think the Tinman the second jpg picture looks like Tim Duncan from the world champion San Antonio Spurs -- could it be. I don't know where the spanner and the insecticide pump went, but he got game! Dorothy is pretty foxy in that pic too. Yikes!

Dear Thom Holbrook: Wow! Great minds something something.

I had a similar experience to the one you describe on your "Scarecrow's Got A Gun" page -- shock at seeing a revolver in this kid's fantasy I'd seen 40 times before.

Within 12 hours of posting it, two of my correspondents directed me to your page. Great pictures! Let me add to the screed you've started:

1. Clearly, the weapons technology existed in Oz -- those little weiners made quite a show of marching with their rifles when Dorothy and company enter the Emerald City.

2. Scarecrow wasn't the only one packing. For some odd reason, the Ozoners gave the Tinman a giant spanner AND one of those insecticide pumps. So how was he carrying an axe, too? (Don't answer that.) Also, the Lion gets to carry a white flag -- very useful.

3. So eighty flying monkeys come to snatch the girl who led you on the brainquest -- and not a single shot is fired? No insecticide? Not even a swing and a miss with the monkey wrench?

To add this crap and have no effect on the plot is sheer madness. Madness I say!

--Wazmo Nariz, WhereTruthLies.com

P.S. The 2005 Bulwer-Lytton's have been published. Check out this Dishonorable Mention:

"Because of her mysterious ways I was fascinated with Dorothy and I wondered if she would ever consider having a relationship with a lion, but I have to admit that most of my attention was directed at her little dog Toto because, after all, he was a source of meat protein and I had had enough of those damn flying monkeys."

October 15, 2005 Get Over It Already

Star Oz Star Wars Wizard of Oz Lion Chewbacca Dorothy Princess Leia Cowardly Lion Chewbacca Chewy Han Solo Scarecrow Gun
Don't get me started on Ewoks and Munchkins...

October 7, 2005 I Thought It Would Be A Peninsula

That song by The Arrogant Worms was on KPIG again and thought I'd see if the places mentioned actually exist.

Grosse Water Beach -- yup. Blow-Me-Down Provincial Park -- yes. Kilbride? Placentia? Cow Head? Yep, yep, moo. (The song is kinda catchy, especially since it has a drinking verse raaarh raaarh raaaaarh.) There's Woody's Point, Come-by-Chance, and of course, Dildo.

Our kind friends at MapQuest Canada have mapped Newfoundland, so that's where I verified this. Hey lookie.

I must say I was quite facinated by this region. If you're heading west from St. Johns on Provincial Route 1 past Upper Gullies (avoiding Conception Bay), at Crossroads you'll have the choice of turning south to Spread Eagle or north to... Spread Eagle.

(Pause here to see what MapQuest is selling you... "Schools in Dildo", "Dildo Jobs", "Dildo Insurance", etc.) But we digresss:

You'll want to take PR-80 North up the inner thigh of Dildo Pond, through South Dildo, up Broad Cove to Dildo.

The Dildo Musuem has.... a giant squid displayed out front. Those Canadians!

Driving north, you can take PR-80 all the way to Heart's Delight, Heart's Desire, and Heart's Content, or northeast on PR-73 to Harbor Grace and the ferry to Dildo Island.

Bonus points for Tickle Cove, Gullies and the Thicket. What have I missed?

Dildo Newfoundland Spread Eagle

"As usual, you haven't missed a thing. North or south to Spread Eagle. Makes sense."
-- JF

"Dildo insurance is my favorite, I mean my favorite on the attached email. I thought the Dildo is in fact more or less the guarantee provided under 'fornication insurance,' for those who find themselves continually 'coming up on the short end of the stick.' "Before I would recommend Dildo insurance, I'd recommend reading the Dildo instruction manual. And if anyone could find a Dildo instruction on the web, it be Wazmo. My bet Tipper has a Dildo, probably two or three. Take care, and thanks for sharing."
-- RM

"I hear Tipper's is so big it has a kickstand ... and it sounds like a Harley when it's fired up."
-- DP

"I look forward to your analysis of F*ck, Germany."
-- BW

September 15, 2005 Davis Musicians

Went to see Barry 'The Fish' Melton play in downtown Davis. Melton of course is "The Fish" in "Country Joe and The Fish", probably most famous for the "Fish Cheer" (gimme an F... gimme a U) and the "I Feel Like I'm Fixin' to Die Rag" performed at the original Woodstock.

Melton is now a Yolo County Public Defender, and lives in Davis. One of his sons works for Lois Wolk, our progressive State Assemblyperson who's been active in the efforts to restore Hetch Hetchy Valley.

Davis folk/bluegrass performer Rita Hosking gets a mention due to her interesting voice, and the fact that she's J-man's English teacher.

A quirky factoid I recently stumbled across is that "Little Roger and the Goosebumps" is a Davis band. Little Roger, of course, is infamous for their "Gilligan's Island (Stairway)" release in 1978 that was brutally supressed by Led Zeppelin's record label.

I've been looking for a copy (also known as "Stairway to Gilligan") ever since. Y used to hang with the band (Cornell Hurd and His Mondo Hotpants Orchestra) referenced in the article.

I note with some irony that of the seven castaways, only "the rest" (The Professor and Mary Ann) still survive.


Bob Denver, 1935-2005.
Rest in Peace, Li'l Buddy.

July 6, 2005 Fart Euphemisms

1. 1-man salute
2. 7.4 on the Rectum scale
3. Acid-rain maker
4. After the thunder comes the rain
5. Air bagel
6. Airbrush your boxers
7. Anal acoustics
8. Anal ahem
9. Anal audio
10. Anal salute
11. Anal volcano
12. Arse blast
13. Ass blaster
14. Ass-scented methane
15. Ass biscuit
16. Ass thunder
17. Ass whistle
18. A turd whistling for the right of way
19. Backdoor breeze
20. Backfire
21. Bad sprinkling
22. Baking brownies
23. Barking spiders
24. Bean blower
25. Beep your horn
26. Belch from behind
27. Better open a window
28. Blast off
29. Blast the chair
30. Blasting the ass trumpet
31. Blat
32. Blow ass
33. Blow mud
34. Blow the big brown horn
35. Blowing the butt bugle
36. Blowing you a kiss
37. Bomber
38. Bottom blast
39. Bottom burp
40. Break the sound barrier without a plane
41. Break wind
42. Breath of fresh air
43. Brown horn brass choir
44. Brown thunder
45. Bun shaker
46. Burnin' rubber
47. Buster
48. Busting ass
49. Butt bleat
50. Butt burp
51. Butt hair harmony
52. Butt percussion
53. Butt trauma
54. Butt trumpet
55. Butt tuba
56. Buttock bassoon
57. Cheek flapper
58. Cheesin'
59. Colonic calliope
60. Crack a rat
61. Crack one off
62. Crack splitters
63. Crimp off some breakfast biscuits
64. Crop dusting (surreptitiously farting while passing thru a cube farm, then enjoying the sounds of dismay and disgust)
65. Crowd splitter
66. Cut a stinker
67. Cut loose
68. Cut the cheese
69. Cut the wind
70. Death Breath
71. Deflate
72. Doing the one-cheek sneak
73. Doorknob
74. Drop a barking spider
75. Drop a bomb
76. Drop ass
77. Dropped a bomb
78. Eggy
79. Empty my tank
80. Exercising the meat nozzle (not sure if this one doesn't belong in a different category)
81. Exploding bottom
82. Explosion between the legs
83. Exterminate
84. Fart
85. Fire a stink torpedo
86. Fire the retro-rocket
87. Firing scud missiles
88. Fizzler
89. Flame thrower
90. Flamer
91. Flapper
92. Flatulate
93. Flatulence
94. Flatus
95. Flipper
96. Float an air biscuit
97. Floof
98. Fluffy
99. Fog slicer
100. Fowl howl
101. Fragrant fuzzy
102. Free-floating anal vapors
103. Free Jacuzi
104. Freep
105. Frequency Actuated Rectal Tremor
106. Fumigate
107. Funky rollers
108. Gas attack
109. Gas blaster
110. Gas from the ass
111. Gas master
112. Gaseous intestinal by-products
113. Ghost turd
114. Give a dirty look at the person next to you
115. Grandpa
116. Gravy pants
117. Great brown cloud
118. Hailing Emperor Crush
119. Hey, did you fart? Because you blew me away! (pick-up line)
120. Heinus anus
121. Hole flappage
122. Hole flapper
123. Honk
124. HUMrrhoids
125. Hydrogen bomb
126. I made a pootie
127. If you are that embarrassed about it, you can always blame it on me.
128. Ignition
129. Insane in the methane
130. Invert a burp
131. It's low tide
132. Jet propulsion
133. Jockey burner
134. Jumping guts
135. Just calling your name
136. Just keeping warm
137. Just the noise
138. Kaboom
139. K-Fart
140. Kill the canary
141. Lay a wind loaf
142. Lay an air biscuit
143. Leave a gas trap
144. Let a beefer
145. Let each little bean be heard
146. Let one fly
147. Let one go
148. Let the beans out
149. Lethal cloud
150. Letting one rip
151. Lingerer
152. Made a gas blast
153. Make a stink
154. Make a trumpet of one's ass (John Milton)
155. Mating call of the barking spider
156. Methane Bomb
157. Methane production experiment
158. Moon gas
159. Mud duck
160. Must be a sewer around
161. Nose death
162. Odor bubble
163. Odorama
164. One man jazz band
165. One-gun salute
166. Painting the elevator
167. Pant stainer
168. Panty burp
169. Parp
170. Party in your pants
171. Pass gas
172. Pass wind
173. Play the tuba
174. Playing the trouser tuba
175. Plotcher (aka a wet one ... bad form, points taken off for emmitting one of these)
176. Poof
177. Poop gas
178. Poot
179. Pop
180. Pop a fluffy
181. Preventing Spontaneous Human Combustion (South Park)
182. Prove it
183. Prupe (Norwegian--the E has two dots over it)
184. Puff, the Magic Dragon
185. Quack
186. Rebuild the ozone layer one poof at a time
187. Rectal honk
188. Rectal shout
189. Rectal tremor
190. Release a squeeker
191. Release an ass buscuit
192. Release gas
193. Rep
194. Rimshot
195. Rip ass
196. Rip one
197. Ripple fart
198. Roast the Jockeys
199. Rotting vegetation
200. Safety
201. Salute your shorts
202. SAS (silent and scentless)
203. SBD (silent but deadly)
204. Set off an SBD
205. Shit fumes
206. Shit honker
207. Shit vapor
208. Shoot the cannon
209. Shoppin' at Wal-Fart
210. Silent but deadly (SBD)
211. Singe the carpet
212. Singing the Anal Anthem
213. Skunk smells his own smell first!
214. Sounding the sphincter scale
215. Sounds like a barking spider
216. Sounds like a wompus cat
217. Sphincter song
218. Spit a brick
219. Squeak one out
220. Squeeker
221. Steamer
222. Step on a duck
223. Step on a frog
224. Stink bomb
225. Stink Burger
226. Strangling the stank monkey
227. Stress release
228. Tail wind
229. Telegraph from Ft. A-hole to Cmdr. Nostril announcing the arrival of Gen. Shat
230. That felt good
231. The closest you get to craping while standing up
232. The colonic calliope
233. The dog did it
234. The F bomb
235. The gluteal tuba
236. The Sound and the Fury
237. The stink's gone into the fabric
238. The third state of matter
239. The toothless one speaks
240. Thunder pants
241. Thunderspray
242. Toilet tune
243. Toot
244. Toot your own horn
245. Trelblow
246. Triple flutter blast
247. Trouser cough
248. Trouser trumpet
249. Turd honking
250. Turd hooties
251. Turn on the A/C in your large intestine
252. Uncorked symphony
253. Under burp
254. Venting one
255. Wet one
256. What smell?
257. What the dog did
258. Whoever smelt it dealt it
259. Wrong way burping
260. Your voice has changed, but your breath is still the same.
261. Zinger


(after farting at the urinal)
"After thunder comes the rain."

Q. "What was that?"
A. "Just calling your name."

"Ewwww, get away from me!"
"Take it easy, it was just the noise."

4/25/05 WalMart has partnered with the E&J Gallo company to produce WalMart brand wine in the $2-2.50 price range. What should it be named?
Debbie's List

10. Chateau Traileur Parc
9. White Trashfindel
8. Big Red Gulp
7. World Championship Riesling
6. NASCARbernet
5. Chef Boyardeaux
4. Peanut Noir
3. I Can't Believe It's Not Vinegar!
2. Grape Expectations
1. Nasti Spumante
Wazmo's List

10. Headache2Merlot
9. Zinegar
8. Ernest & Julio Down by the Schoolyard
7. Brownbag Fresh
6. Desperate Housewines
5. Chardon Yea
4. Ochablis Ochabda
3. Any Port In a Storm
2. Cluelessmen They Drink My Wine, Ploughmen Dig My Earth
1. S'wine


4/15/05 TWENTY MINUTE INTERNET ESSAY -- Hittin' the Double Chee'

I think I first heard this in a Boondocks comic and I had to check it out because, well, you'd expect me to.

Seems McDonalds is running a hip-hop internet ad campaign for double cheeseburgers with the tagline, "yeah, I'd hit it".

I'm not the hip-hop expert, but I'm pretty sure this is something guys say when admiring a woman -- "That Halle Berry is hot" "Yeah, I'd hit it."

UrbanDictionary.com seems to bear this out.

Think of it as an update of the "did her" expression we used to use -- "Dianne Feinstein? Yeah, I did her."

Seems these ads did run in January on the ESPN site. I checked with the Snopes people -- it's not listed as an urban legend.

It's three panels: 1) "Double Cheeseburger?", 2) "I'd hit it". You might just dismiss this as a product of a clueless ad executive, except that the panel 3) McDonald's logo is underscored with the phrase "I'm lovin' it".


So clueless AND coincidental, right? Well it got me thinking about a photo I took in Vacaville a couple of years ago, and published on Meat Planet which shows a billboard for a different "big juicy burger" with the tagline "GET OFF" in seven-foot high letters.

What is going on here? There's a whole subculture having their way with double meat sandwiches? How long has this been going on? Hot buns! Super-size me! Secret sauce! Hot man-on-sandwich action!

You people disgust me.


4/21/05 Update So it's not just my imagination.

Imagine my surprise today in the doctor's waiting room to pick up a Sports Illustrated (yeck, what dreck) and see a full page McDonalds ad for double chesseburgers proclaiming "FULL CONTACT? POUND ONE".

I'll spare you the trouble of checking UrbanDictionary.com again, and just tell you this means McDonalds wants you to have "savage unemotional sex" with your cheesburger.

But wait! go to McDonalds.com and you'll find a cute flash animation -- you can move the guy back and forth with your mouse, but the double cheesburger stays firmly attached to his groin...

...and what's that guy in the background doing?

...when I'm Pope, (thanks for your votes) I will encourage priests (both male and female) to have sex with whatever lifepartner they choose. But (at the risk of being called a narrow-mined prude) sex with a cheeseburger shall become a mortal sin.

So I doth proclaimeth.

--Pope Wazmo I

Notes from WhereTruthLies mail list subscribers:

--- wrote:

It's just a normal progression of that "American Pie" theme. They start with McD's cherry tarts (caution, filling is hot!) and move on to the harder stuff.

--- wrote:

I think that you are just being a bit narrow minded. I don't know what you find so strange about all of this. The invention of the double cheese changed everything. Made it all possible.

I like the secret sauce.


I can truly say, that of all the preachers I've seen in my life, Dr. Gene Scott is the only one I've seen preach while punching ten pounds of hamburger.

Or combining a professed love of Jesus with a love for invective, cigars, limos, silly hats, and prancing ponies on a world-wide satellite network. Or one who could diagram a six-hour sermon (using Hebrew and Greek characters) on a single 4x6 foot whiteboard without erasing once.

"This bizarre visage lures television viewers to Dr. Gene Scott, pastor and supreme leader of the Los Angeles University Cathedral. But it is his provocative, profanity-laced monologues that keep them tuning in. Scott's eclectic broadcast mixes high-voltage Scripture and obnoxious solicitations with taped footage of his church's world-champion American saddlebred show horses prancing to the tunes of Sinatra and Springsteen."

"Nuke 'em in the name of Jesus!" Scott ranted during the Gulf War, boasting that he was the only minister urging President Bush to bomb Iraq. After three years of extensive dental work, Scott joked to his congregation that "there'll be fewer weeks in 1994 that I come here wanting to kill. So, get on the telephone!"

"Scott married his high school sweetheart, Betty Ann Frazer, in the early 1950s. They had no children and were divorced 23 years later. On his program, Scott has portrayed her as the "devil's sister. I hate her. If I go to heaven and she's there, I'm going to another planet."

"During the last few years, Scott has become more and more outrageous and offensive," a Christian Research Institute analysis concludes. "His language is crude, abusive and profane, clearly violating God's standards for Christians."

"Such condemnation drives Scott up a wall. At a recent service, Scott groused that he is fed up with outsiders who have the nerve to question his conduct."

"They never stop!" Scott protested to loud applause. "These judgmental asses!"

Werner Herzog's film, "God's Angry Man".

It's my simple hope that falling asleep in front of Dr. Gene's TV rantings hasn't affected my mental state.

Dr. Gene Scott, Stanford alumnus, dead February 21st at age 75. Thanks for the weirdness, Gene. May you rot in hell (or an alternative planet).

-- Wazmo

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